I believe that the way we perceive our lives depend on our conception of death. I've always believed that once we die, it's over and we are as unconscious as we were before our birth. Unfortunately, this belief made me see everything pointless to some extent. Regardless of how successful I am, in the end, there's nothing left. Regardless of the sacrifices I do, in the end, there's nothing left. I know that my life might change other people's life, but if in the end, if it doesn't matter for me, it doesn't matter for others either; a sum of 0s returns 0.
Since it is not a feeling I enjoy, I ended up living on a daily basis; Have I enjoyed my day, Did I really wanted to do that, What should I do to enjoy my time? I lived mostly in the present for several years, doing a job I enjoyed at the time, and enjoying my time outside as well. Anything that I didn't want to do right away wasn't worth doing. It got to the point where I was pushing away feelings just because I didn't like them, such as regrets or stress from late tasks.
It didn't pay that well. After a while, I had a lot of late bills (not that I couldn't pay, I just didn't want to do it right now), I wasn't looking forward to know what to do with my future, etc. The good thing I learned from that is looking forward for good feelings and investing myself in what I enjoy.-Turns out I had a promotion at my job, and I liked my new tasks, and since then, I've been studying at night to build a career from it.-I also learned to fix things up in time because when every thing works out well, when you have nothing due to anyone, you feel better, you feel freed from those responsabilities for the time being.
I also believe in balance, in the meaning that if you only have good things happening to you, they aren't actual good things, they are normal neutral things. You need sadness, bad things, to enjoy even more the good things happening. Just like peace doesn't mean anything to someone that doesn't know its counterpart.
Put this altogether, you end up with a range from the worst feeling you can have, to a middle, to the greatest feeling you can have. I chose to be near the middle. I don't enjoy having bad feelings, and I prefer to have a neutral life, with good enough feelings. I doesn't mean that I don't want to suffer, to go through rough times, it only means I know to which extent I can go on this range, at which point it's not worth it.
Ultimately, living by default or not is, in my vision and understanding, at which point you are ready to sacrifice things to maybe get better things on the other side. Am I ready to sacrifice my marriage to maybe find a better women? Am I ready to dump friendship to maybe get better? I like the place where I live enough, it could be better but do I really want to go through all this work to maybe find something better? I really don't mind living by default, as long as I don't suffer from it, and I currently don't. Maybe I'll have regrets later on, but regrets are not worth having, so I'll chase them away as good as I can.
Since it is not a feeling I enjoy, I ended up living on a daily basis; Have I enjoyed my day, Did I really wanted to do that, What should I do to enjoy my time? I lived mostly in the present for several years, doing a job I enjoyed at the time, and enjoying my time outside as well. Anything that I didn't want to do right away wasn't worth doing. It got to the point where I was pushing away feelings just because I didn't like them, such as regrets or stress from late tasks.
It didn't pay that well. After a while, I had a lot of late bills (not that I couldn't pay, I just didn't want to do it right now), I wasn't looking forward to know what to do with my future, etc. The good thing I learned from that is looking forward for good feelings and investing myself in what I enjoy.-Turns out I had a promotion at my job, and I liked my new tasks, and since then, I've been studying at night to build a career from it.-I also learned to fix things up in time because when every thing works out well, when you have nothing due to anyone, you feel better, you feel freed from those responsabilities for the time being.
I also believe in balance, in the meaning that if you only have good things happening to you, they aren't actual good things, they are normal neutral things. You need sadness, bad things, to enjoy even more the good things happening. Just like peace doesn't mean anything to someone that doesn't know its counterpart.
Put this altogether, you end up with a range from the worst feeling you can have, to a middle, to the greatest feeling you can have. I chose to be near the middle. I don't enjoy having bad feelings, and I prefer to have a neutral life, with good enough feelings. I doesn't mean that I don't want to suffer, to go through rough times, it only means I know to which extent I can go on this range, at which point it's not worth it.
Ultimately, living by default or not is, in my vision and understanding, at which point you are ready to sacrifice things to maybe get better things on the other side. Am I ready to sacrifice my marriage to maybe find a better women? Am I ready to dump friendship to maybe get better? I like the place where I live enough, it could be better but do I really want to go through all this work to maybe find something better? I really don't mind living by default, as long as I don't suffer from it, and I currently don't. Maybe I'll have regrets later on, but regrets are not worth having, so I'll chase them away as good as I can.