On track to getting expelled. Received the warning email three weeks ago. Was ice age permafrost stiff before, now approaching 0K stiff.
I'm a foreign student in Beijing. Living off campus. Xenophobic landlord kicked me out and I discovered there was nothing I could do to get rent or deposit back. Been bouncing between places, very painful as a person of colour in this otherwise normally incredible city.
Oddly, the isolation was initially great. Wasn't so productive in March, but having the pause was magic for every other aspect of my life. Got into incredible shape thanks to eating well, sleeping well, and a light but consistent calisthenics routine. But still missed by first deadline for thesis. Struggled to ask for help. Then asked and found it the university didn't care. Cue total collapse.
Everyday I wake up and try to make progress on a thesis but just end up frozen behind my computer. This has been soul destroying. Showing up each morning but failing to move forward. Anxious beyond imagination. Quit caffeine (coffee, green tea) for a month, then restarted in spectacular fashion.
Visa expires soon. Back to home country in a worse state than China and with ability to right itself. Feeling very doomed, lost, and annoyed to not have been able to capitalise on all this free time. About to throw an entire master's degree program down the drain because I can't stop panicking about it.
Just afraid of the future. Post lockdown, looking back and wishing I did more. It's hard to lose a grip on the world and to operate without a sense of meaning.
I don't know if it would help you to hear this from a stranger, but try to calm down and clear your mind through meditation. Before going to sleep, set clearly achievable goals for the next day. Wake up early, meditate, work out. Obtaining a lucid state of mind is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. If it helps, go somewhere you normally wouldn't go where you can be very in-the-moment for a time, to snap you out of your current environment and allow you to reset.
If you assume the outcome of your thesis is a foregone conclusion, this can enable you to work without hesitation. Many fighting chances have been born during last-minute, no-hope efforts, and if yours doesn't come along, treat that as a bridge to cross when you get there.
I know, easy to say when everything feels like it's doomed. I took a shot at building a MVP for a product to start a company with and failed because I spent over half the time messing around, working on what wasn't important.
Six months in, running out of time and money, I started these habits even though I thought to myself that it would be too late for them to matter. I became very productive especially towards the end as a result, and I could keep to my new routine since I figured "at least I'll be getting something out of the whole ordeal".
At the same time, I felt like the situation was beyond salvaging, and the product indeed never saw the light of day. The silver lining is that the habits I picked up when I set myself straight, both professionally and personally, have been immensely useful in the years that followed.
Give it your best. I hope things work out for you.
I'm a foreign student in Beijing. Living off campus. Xenophobic landlord kicked me out and I discovered there was nothing I could do to get rent or deposit back. Been bouncing between places, very painful as a person of colour in this otherwise normally incredible city.
Oddly, the isolation was initially great. Wasn't so productive in March, but having the pause was magic for every other aspect of my life. Got into incredible shape thanks to eating well, sleeping well, and a light but consistent calisthenics routine. But still missed by first deadline for thesis. Struggled to ask for help. Then asked and found it the university didn't care. Cue total collapse.
Everyday I wake up and try to make progress on a thesis but just end up frozen behind my computer. This has been soul destroying. Showing up each morning but failing to move forward. Anxious beyond imagination. Quit caffeine (coffee, green tea) for a month, then restarted in spectacular fashion.
Visa expires soon. Back to home country in a worse state than China and with ability to right itself. Feeling very doomed, lost, and annoyed to not have been able to capitalise on all this free time. About to throw an entire master's degree program down the drain because I can't stop panicking about it.
Just afraid of the future. Post lockdown, looking back and wishing I did more. It's hard to lose a grip on the world and to operate without a sense of meaning.